


Things I Wish I Said

by eversinceniall



Category: Bring Me The Horizon, Pierce the Veil, Sleeping With Sirens
Genre: Boys In Love, Childhood Friends, First Kiss, Friendship/Love, Love Confessions, Love Triangles, M/M, Marriage, Mutual Pining, Pining, Sad, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, Weddings, things i wish i said
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-07
Updated: 2015-12-07
Packaged: 2018-05-05 10:55:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5372726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eversinceniall/pseuds/eversinceniall
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The story of Vic's love for his childhood friend, Kellin Quinn, up until the day the raven haired boy gets married. It's only on his best friend's wedding day that Vic finally gathers up the courage to say the words, "I love you."<br/>Things don't turn out as expected.</p><p>(Based on the prompt, "Write about what you wish you had said,")</p>
            </blockquote>





	Things I Wish I Said

Vic's POV

I wish I had told Kellin the truth.  
I wish I hadn't held it in, kept it bottled up inside of me.  
I wish I wasn't so afraid to tell him.  
I wish it wasn't a deep dark secret.  
I wish I was brave, and courageous.  
I wish I was strong, and fearless.  
I wish I had said it.  
"I love you."  
But I didn't say it.  
It's not that I felt I shouldn't.  
I couldn't.  
Because each time I opened my mouth, I'd freeze up. I couldn't force the words out of my mouth no matter how hard I tried, and trust me, I tried.  
I was stuck, and the words were stuck.  
Fear coursed through my veins and I was paralyzed. I couldn't do it. His eyes smothered me. Gorgeous baby blue orbs stared back at me, and I was lost in his eyes. I was in a trance, and the look in his eyes was of pure love and adoration.  
So I froze up, because I was scared.  
I was scared to say it, because I didn't want that look in his eyes to disappear, to be replaced with one of disgust, or repulsion.  
The thought of Kellin looking at me like that, I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle watching him stare at me in fear, all because I loved him in the way he couldn't.  
It's not like we never said I love you, because we did. After being best friends for years, we had a deep affection for one another.  
But I felt differently.  
I loved him.  
I was in love with him.  
The difference between a normal "I love you," and "I'm in love with you," is more drastic than people might think.  
There are two completely different meanings to those sentences. One is a way to express how much someone means to you.  
"I love you," says you're so important to me, and I don't want to lose you.  
"I'm in love with you," takes it to a whole other level.  
Those five words, they say, "you're everything to me, and I want you to know that."  
They say, "I don't know what I'd do without you,"  
They say, "you mean more to me than nearly anything else,"  
They say, "I love you, and I'm trusting you with my heart."  
They say, "please, don't break me."  
Those words leave you vulnerable. The other person, the person you say them to, has all the power now. They have the power to completely break you, to tear you apart with only words. They have the power to make your heart ache In the way that only they can do.  
So I didn't say it.  
I loved him.  
But I was afraid, and my fear won over everything else. What if he hated me?  
What if he wanted nothing to do with me. The thought of not having him in my life was worse than anything else.  
He was a bright ray of light, in my otherwise dark, world of night. I needed him. Kellin kept me smiling, and laughing. I couldn't live without his dimpled smile, or his shining eyes. I'd miss him too much. His hair that always fell in his face, and his laughter.  
So I didn't say it.  
Because if Kellin left, I would be reduced to only memories. Memories of happier times. Of the time I took him to his first concert, and I held onto him when he nearly got dragged into a mosh pit. My arms were around his waist, and we felt like a couple.  
At least to me, we did, because I was holding onto him, keeping him safe, and he didn't care. It wasn't weird or strange.  
It was okay. It was normal.  
We were best friends, but we felt like so much more. Nothing ever happened, but I could live with the memories of how he felt when I held him.  
Or of the time we took a road trip, drove all the way to LA, without telling anyone. His hair was blowing in the wind. We were young and we were free, and his smile was contagious.  
We got in so much trouble with our parents, but it was all worth it.  
I didn't want to be left with only memories. I wanted to keep making more memories that I could treasure, that I could keep close to my heart.  
So I didn't say it.  
When we were eighteen, Kellin got his first boyfriend. Well, his first serious boyfriend. He'd had boyfriends before, but they were short flings. When I asked him why they ended, he never gave a specific reason.  
"It wasn't right," he said.  
But this guy, Oliver, he wasn't like the others. Kellin kept him around. Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months.  
He was still around.  
It was getting too serious, and I didn't know how to feel. Oliver held his hand so tightly, and Kellin was looking at Oliver like he was all he'd ever need.  
Kellin looked at Oliver the same way I looked at my raven haired best friend, and my chest throbed. Oliver kissed him with passion, yet at the same time, he held Kellin like he was delicate.  
I'd never had him, but I already knew I was losing him.  
But I still didn't say it.  
A year passed by, and I was alright. I was still hanging on. I kept hoping Kellin would break up with him. It would happen, I was positive.  
He couldn't stay, Kellin would tire of im eventually, or perhaps one day soon he'd realize "it wasn't right." I was hoping, but it was useless hope.  
Kellin still looked at him with all the love in the world.  
It was too perfect to be true. So I pretended it wasn't.  
But reality stabbed me in the face, or at least that's what it felt like, when I found out he proposed to Kellin.  
I still didn't say it.  
The day of the wedding came sooner than expected. Next thing I knew I was wearing a suit. I was Kellin's best man.  
He said I do, and Oliver did too.  
I could hear Kellin whisper, "I love you,"  
Tears sprung to my eyes. I didn't want to cry, but I loved and I lost, and I couldn't have him.  
The wedding ended, and I escaped to the dressing rooms. I wiped my teary eyes on my suit. I didn't care if I messed it up.  
I loved him.  
My lungs clenched tight like fists, and I couldn't breathe. Pathetic sobs escaped my mouth, and I sat on the ground.  
I wept and I wept, over the love I had lost. It felt like forever before I picked myself up off the floor, and I wiped my eyes once again.  
I composed myself the best I could.  
I wasn't sobbing anymore and that was progress. Then Kellin walked in, and he stopped in his tracks when he saw me.  
"Vic?" He asked, sounding worried.  
"Kellin." I said his name but my voice was croaky.  
"You're crying." Kellin noted. "Why are you crying?"  
I put on my best smile, the one I kept for moments like these where I had to lie, and pretend I was alright. "Oh, you know how I am at weddings."  
He studied me hard, and squinted his eyes at me. "You're right. I do know how you are at weddings. You goof off. You never care, and you most certainly never cry."  
"This is different." I said, and it was. All the weddings I'd been to before had been of distant relatives. Ones whom I barely knew, nor gave a crap about.  
"This is you. You're my best friend, and this is my best friend's wedding. So of course this is different."  
"You're lying." Kellin stated, like it was a fact. How did he know? I wasn't sure, but he knew, and denying it wouldn't do any good.  
"What's wrong?" He asked with genuine concern.  
"I'm sad. We've grown up so much."  
Why was I still lying? I didn't know what else to do.  
Kellin shook his head in disapproval.  
I took a moment to admire him. He was wearing a tuxedo just like I was. His hair was curled and hanging around his face. He was gorgeous.  
"Tell me the truth." Kellin pleaded.  
So I said it.  
"I'm in love with you."  
Shock was etched into his face.  
Tears welled up in my eyes as I looked at him and he began to get blurry. I couldn't see through all the tears.  
"I love you, Kellin."  
"Don't say that." His voice was strict. He backed away from me.  
"Why not?" I asked weakly.  
"Because! Because you can't do this to me! Not now! Not on my wedding day!" Kellin shouted.  
He didn't sound angry, his voice shook with each word.  
"I'm sorry." I apologized helplessly.  
"Don't do this." Kellin repeated.  
"I love you."  
"No!" He cried. "You don't love me! Vic, tell me you don't! Tell me you don't mean it! Please!"  
I stared at him as he broke down. Tears spilled down his face, and his hands tugged on his hair, ruining the once perfect curls.  
"I can't." I said softly. "I can't say that. I can't."  
His face crumpled. "Vic...please." Kellin begged. "Why now? Why not before? Why? Why? Why?"  
He sounded crazy. I didn't care. I felt dizzy.  
"What do you mean? Before?"  
"Before...when we could have been together."  
I stared at him.  
I felt empty.  
Before, before, before.  
We could have been together.  
"What are you saying?" I asked.  
I already knew.  
His arms fell to his sides and he looked me in the eyes. "I love you."  
Those words were ones I'd ached to hear for years, but not like this, in this situation.  
"I always have, Vic. You were just too goddamn dumb to notice. Why do you think I never dated? Or when I did, it never worked out? It was because when those guys met you, my best friend, they knew they could never compare. They saw what you couldn't."  
"Why?" I choked out. "Why didn't you tell me?"  
"I was scared." Kellin admitted. "I didn't think you felt that way."  
"I do!" I said. "I do feel that way, Kellin. We can be together now!"  
His face fell. "Vic, we can't."  
"W-what? Kellin, yes we can! I love you and you love me!"  
Fear was all I felt.  
We could be together.  
We could.  
We had to be.  
"I can't leave Oliver." Kellin said.  
"Do you love him?" I asked.  
I wanted him to say no.  
"You know I do. I wouldn't have married him if I didn't."  
No, no, no. He loved me. Why weren't we kissing by now? Why wasn't everything perfect?  
"Do you love him as much as you love me?" I asked.  
I had to know. I needed to know.  
We still had a chance, right?  
He didn't hesitate. "I'll never love someone as much as I love you." Kellin said softly.  
Once again, tears fell from my eyes. "Kellin, this- this can't be it."  
He opened his mouth to speak, but closed it. "It has to be. But...I'll always love you." He told me with all the emotion in the world.  
A sob escaped my throat. "Kellin, please."  
"I'm sorry! You know I love you...But you're too late." Kellin began to walk away.  
I panicked. My heart hammered in my chest.  
This couldn't be the end.  
This wasn't how things were supposed to go.  
Kellin wasn't supposed to love me, and if he did we were supposed to live happily ever after.  
"Kellin!" I pleaded, "let me kiss you."  
He hesitated, then his eyes softened. "Okay."  
I could tell he wanted it just as much as I did.  
I closed the distance between us, and pressed my lips against his. His hands laid on my neck. I pulled him closer.  
I kissed him desperately, I kissed him like I'd never be able to do so again. I guess I never would.  
I cradled his face in my hand, and our lips moved together perfectly. I could taste the tears that were rolling down his face, and slipping into our kiss.  
That was our first kiss.  
It was also our last.  
Kellin pulled away first. We stared at each other, and I could see it then. I saw how he looked at me, the same way I looked at him for years.  
"We'll always be friends." He said quietly. He averted his eyes from mine, and backed out of the room.  
"I love you." I whispered.  
Kellin's hand paused on the doorknob. "I loved you, too."  
Then he was gone. My heart broke when he said "loved." Past tense. Then I was left alone in an empty room. I could still feel his lips on mine. Now that I knew what it was like to kiss him, how could I go without it?  
I loved him  
But he wasn't mine.  
He never was.  
I said it.  
But I said it too late.  
My only regret was this:  
I hadn't said it sooner.


End file.
